My Dad.
As a Little Girl, ages 1-6: My dad is my hero, he is incapable of wrong, I love him, so much. He grabs me up in his big arms and holds me. All my pain and fears leave, I am safe I am home in my fathers arms. We have adventures together, he is the painter of my world. The sun rises and sets, the days run by again and again, each one is a joy with my best friend, my knight. He is my favorite person, I love him. We explore railroad tracks and find treasures together. Later I realize, my dad would hide things before we would go so that I could find them.
Growing up, age 7-11: My dad is far away, but still tries to be close. He is busy there are many demands on him. I heard my mom talking to him last night, we may not get Christmas presents this year, I'm sad, but I don't mind that much, I just want my mom to be happy. I still feel safe with my dad, he is still my security.
Aging slowly, age 12-14: My dad is just there, I guess I hide, My security is my room, my music, my art. I can be whoever and whatever I want in my world. The world I have hidden away in. I am starting to feel Like there is an unspoken standard I must live up to, a bar I must reach. But it is too high, to far away, it is unreachable. What can I do? I want to please my daddy. I listen for his perspective when he talks of other women. He appreciates women who respect and rely on their husbands, who love their children and stay home and let the man provide. That is what I should admire too. That is what I need to be, why don't I have the desire to be like that? Why do I long to be the opposite of everything my dad wants? It isn't rebellion...or is it?
Trying to be free, to be me, age 15-16: I hate children, I hate women who stay at home, I HATE women who listen and hang on their husbands every word. I am my own woman, I need no man to give me status or worth. I am worthy of respect without having a husband who gives me a status! Why! Why! Why do I feel so invaluable, unworthy because I am a woman and not a man? I can't pursue my dreams because I am a woman and not a man? I feel that men are more valuable to society, I feel worthless, I feel like men believe I have nothing to offer, I am not invaluable as a man is. I am just a woman. I will show them, I will spit in their face after I have beat them to the ground. I will succeed, I will work hard, I will kill myself, do whatever it takes, WHATEVER IT TAKES to show them, I am valuable. Men important to me, men I look up to, laugh and mock my dreams, I do not know why? Maybe I really am worthless. I am shown verses in the bible telling me a woman is to have a gentle and quiet spirit, My own religion attacks me. But that is religion, I know god made me with these desires. That is religion being used to manipulate and confuse me, isn't it? I am so confused, Why am I not encouraged to pursue my dreams. I am having a hard time respecting and loving my dad. He makes me feel dirty and evil. I don't want to be evil I want to please him. But I can't. I really can't, unless I completely give up myself, and I will not do this. I will not. So I will suffer, I will feel pain. I will eventually pull away from my dad, our relationship, our honesty and safety with each other will end. But you save me god. You become my daddy. You love me, but not yet. Not yet have I found you.
Fuck the world and everyone in it, age 17:
I hate the world, skrew them, skrew them all. I will do whatever I want, I will hurt people first before they can hurt me. I will keep everyone out, they will not enter inside of me. This is how I am safe. I am safe. I do what I want, I do stupid things to show that I am a wild horse, untamed, no one can take away my freedom. I run away, I sneak out, I yell and scream. Me and my dad cuss at each other, I don't see that he is just frightened of this wild thing he does not understand. He is frightened, I am out of his control, but these wounds he is giving me hurt, they cut me deeply. I learn not to trust men, especially christian men who can use my religion against me. Who can manipulate me with verses from the bible I read for guidance in life. They can use it to force me into doing their own motives and desires. I do not trust, I hate and I am safe, I hold them at arms length. I am strong I do not need them, I am strong, but oh so weak and sad inside. I am very sad, getting up each morning is a struggle. I never make my mom happy, I never do enough. We don't talk, we don't talk about anything.
Cloudy, age 18: I am very dead inside, I don't have a social life, work and school, work and school. I miss people, but I have no strength to reach out, all I have strength enough for is surviving each day. It is such a struggle. I have started counseling, it is hard, I am starting to feel again. I don't like it. Slowly I am starting to see gods love for me. He is safe, Jesus is safe. He doesn't manipulate me. He loves me. He doesn't hurt me, I don't have to meet a bar of expectation. I can just be, I can be...
I go into the wilderness and I am found by god, age 19: Behold, I am going to persuade her, lead her to the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her vineyards back to her and make the valley of trouble into a gateway of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the days she came out of Egypt(Hosea 2:14-15). Wow, God has rescued me. I drive out into the wilderness. To be continued...
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