Do I play the victim in a friendship, am I the sacrifice? Not in the way you would expect. I have noticed that often, I will start out a new friendship by making sacrifices and performing other services that are rare niceties I would not often perform for anyone else. Do I perform to ensure that I will remain in good standing with this friend in question? It is reminiscent of performing well at the beginning of a school semester to get good grades, but then slacking off as the year goes by until you are completely at your wits-end and have given up entirely on ever making that A you had originally worked so hard to receive. How does this happen? I act like I should deserve to be treated respectfully only if I perform, but If I do not perform then I do not deserve to expect to be treated in a just way. I have been trod on allot in past friendships, I am always very frightened of that happening again. Afraid of opening my heart up completely and putting it in someones hand in confidence, trusting they will take care with it, only then to have them drop it and trample it with their own foot. So I perform to hopefully guilt them into treating me in a loving way. Unfortunately what happens when I do this is inevitably I will end up feeling like a victim, like I am being taken advantage of, when really it is my own responsibility to set up boundaries in my friendships so that this will not happen. I am not behaving responsibly, I know that. Change is never easy but always necessary. God help me to change in this.
Hannah's Prayer:
~ My heart rejoices in the Lord; In the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance. There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the Lord is a God who knows and by Him deeds are weighed. The bows of the warriors are broken but those who stumbled are armed with strength...He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he sets them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. For the foundations of the earth are the Lords; upon them he has set the world.
~He will guard the feet of his saints, but the wicked will be silenced in darkness...
1 Samuel 2 Hannah's Prayer~
Dear dear little Em,
ReplyDeleteFirst I want to tell you that you are right, you and you alone must set the boundaries in every relationship you are a part of. One of the most important things I am learning in life is to know who to be friends with, who to trust. A few years ago none of my friends were good for me. They are nice people who are smart and funny and kind and caring. But they were not people I wanted or needed in a relationship. In high school theater I was faced with many people who were only my friend if they needed something from me. If I was at the top of the class, if I was the one winning the competition, if I was selected by the director for a special project, then they were my friend. But if I was to sit back and not audition if I was to skip the competition I would not be their friend, even if I was in the same room, I did not exist. Something I am incredibly grateful for is finding the friends I have now. They have shown me what true friendship is. Em, if you are in a friendship where all you do is give it is not a true friendship. However sometimes in a friendship it might seem one sided. The trick is if the friend is going through something that they need extra attention with then you just need to make sure that you will want and get their input and assistance when it is your turn.
I'm not sure I made a ton of sense. Maybe we could get together and chat about it :-)
love u!
Bex
Emily,
ReplyDeleteI just read your post three times, and I think you are right to question your motives in friendships, in all relationships actually. I can really relate to what you described. I've done that in lots of friendships, and those friendships never last because at some point you realize that you shouldn't have to perform to get or keep friends. It honestly sounds like you are very self-condemning. Maybe you expect people to not like you or to ditch you, so you 'perform' to make them need you or appreciate you so they won't leave you. At the heart of the problem is the idea that people won't like you or be friends with you if they are not getting something from a relationship with you. Maybe that comes from how you view yourself in relation to God. Do you truly think in your heart of hearts that God demands some kind of performance from you or he'll be disappointed or disgusted with you? I think it's worth checking out. Many of our relational troubles with people stem from a wrong understanding of how God views us and deems us worthy or unworthy.
I love you so much, and I really hope that God surrounds you with people who constantly remind you that Jesus has made you worthy of all the good perfect gifts he gives you. Victims always set themselves up for failure but setting up expectations they know they can never fulfill. You don't have to do that anymore.
I really recommend that you read C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves. The chapter on friendship was really helpful to me. Call me!
How lucky I am to benefit from the input and wisdom of you both! Thank you :) I love you both allot and really value your opinions!
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