Life givers

When I was in Colorado I was so stuck on performance. Being the hardest worker at my job, workiong out like a freak, trying to become a succesful model, going to fashion design school, MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF MYSELF! Something I realized over the course of that summer is that it's people not "credible" accomplishments that make life worth living. Surrounding yourself with life giving spirits, people who know they are free to be themselves, to say what they feel, to love. I have surrrounded myself with some amazing people since comeing back to kc, they have passions and desires and they are living their lives through these.The way these amazing people afect others is unknown to them, they are beacons of light, shining hope to the lost, showing the world what it looks like to be a free spirit. Hardships come, they press forward, things set them back from their goals and still they pursue them. As some of my friends grow, they discover they have been living out someone elses dream with there lives (parents achem) so they readjust and search inside themselves to know truly what their passion is, to pursue something they desire and not to live up to an expectation. Whatching this is truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It is utterly amazing to me to see someone discover how great they truly are and then use this motivation to change their world. This in turn motivates me, I love being around people like this. This is what makes life beautiful, throwing off the standards that our culture directs our futures with, and doing what we have a desire to do, leading people into worship with their creator, working with people in a public relations position and helping them through the rough transition they are going through. Being the bearer of opera music and  speaking to persons heart through song, dance, music. Bringing encouragement and enlightenment to others through the written word. This is true beauty...

Walt Whitman
There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd upon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.

Walt Whitman
Why! who makes much of a miracle?
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,

What If I Say
What if I say I shall not wait?
What if I burst the fleshly gate
And pass, escaped, to thee?
 

What if I file this mortal off,
See where it hurt me, - that’s enough, -
And wade in liberty?

They cannot take me any more, -
Dungeons may call, and guns implore;
Unmeaning, now, to me

Live your dream~

So I have this AMAZING FREinD

A long time ago I was friends with this girl who I let use and abuse me. I knew she was manipulative, I knew she was verbally abusive. I just thought that I was put on this earth to save her, and I loved her ALOT. So seven years went by and my love grew for this girl because of all the effort I put into trying to save her life. However, she became a worse case scenario soon after we became close, I just took it. In 2007, I went through a christian counseling program called Grace Adventure. Upon graduation I realized being friends with this girl was not the healthiest thing for me. So I told her it was time for a break, I felt like I was ending it with my boyfriend or something. She freaked, obviously, she was losing her only lifeline to reality and love and life. She cussed me out, told me our friendship meant NOTHING to her and ran off. So I was like, whew, that wasn't too bad, and I continued on with life. There was only one problem, my best friend had just shattered me, I could no longer trust anyone in deep relationships. I could no longer put my heart out there for someone to stomp on and drag through the dirt. It was too painful. So I kept everyone at arms length, I developed a way to hang with people but not let anyone in. I was lonely and tired of friendships and sad. So this is how my life continued for the next two  years. Whenever anyone got too close, I would retreat. But God had an Idea to fix me with. He gave me an apartment with this girl. God knew, he knew everything, I know that because this girl was not just any girl, she was a WOMAN with the middle name Mary which means; "rebellion," "wished-for child," and "mistress or lady of the sea." The name, borne in the Bible by the virgin mother of Jesus, has become one of the most enduring most popular names in the Christian world. She was a wished for woman, she was a lady of the sea with beauty and dignity. She was a woman who rebelled against becoming average or becoming what was expected, she was her own. She was a woman chosen by God to show me how beloved I am. I cannot believe how much love this woman has shown me, she is amazing. It blows my mind that Jesus would love me enough to bless me with this friendship, sister-ship, with my roommate. Me God? Me? She left me a letter the other day in which part of it reads, " Emily, I am praying that... you would hear him whisper, "Emily you are beautiful, you are lovely. Emily you radiate. I see your face and my heart smiles. I created you, wrote all your days in a book. I am pleased with you. I want to dance with you, sing with you, become your everything".

.Gracias Mi Amore.  !Gracias Dios Para Ella!

Passion.(Period)

I want to have a passion for life. I want to pursue what I want. I don't want to settle because it isn't possible or I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough. I am all these things and more, and so are you. Never let anyone say what or who you can and cannot be. They don't know shit about what you were created for. Oh yes, you were created with a purpose, and that purpose is magnificent. It will blow your mind when it finds you. I mean, there is so much more than what you can imagine for yourself if you will let someone else chart the course for your journey. Follow the trail that leads you to the highest mountain. The place you were destined for, do not let fear hold you back, fight through your fear, climb over the boulders and rocks in your path, and when you can go no farther give one more leap and as you feel you are falling you will reach out and find a hand grasping for yours, waiting to help you up the last bit of the way. And when you crest that mountain peak, you will see a sight you had never dreamed of, stretching out into eternity. The air is clear up there, free of pollution that clogs the mind. Life's problems seem smaller up there, you are looking down at them instead of up. You will see places and roads leading to destinations you couldn't see when you were in the valley. Then you will look up and the see the clear blue sky stretching out like the oceans waters above you, with sun streaming down warming the tiny hairs on your skin and making them sparkle in the light. The sheer magnitude and beauty of it will refresh you, the unfailing love being shown of how magnificent and indescribable your beauty is as well to the one who created both. You are indescribable. You are beauty, you are magnificence. You are a treasure waiting to be found, a star waiting to let its light shine forth. You are YoU. When that fact is realized how unstoppable you will be. You can do anything.

Beauty Tips

Time Tested Beauty Tips


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

--Sam Levenson

Oh how I long for every woman to know these "true" beauty secrets. How much happier we would be to know that beauty is not "looks", beauty is life. 

Beauty is watching the sun set over the Mediterranean,  enjoying a glass of gelato while enjoying a pleasant conversation with a friend.

Beauty is seeing the true self of a person close to you being expressed. Beauty is experiencing honest love for the first, second,third time. Beauty is seeing someone take on life's challenges with poise and conquer them with dignity. Beauty is realizing that you are truly beautiful when you are truly yourself, un-jaded by the world, knowing you are worth all the love capable of receiving in life.

The desire to better oneself

Is it possible? Yes. But will one do it? Depends, Do you think you are worth it?  I guess I should start over. I sometimes look at myself  and think, "I could be so much better". There is this level of greatness I wish I could achieve but have not reached yet. Will I ever reach it? I wish I could change so many things about myself, but its funny how I never see the good, only the bad. As women, do we need to validate the good about ourselves more. Do we focus to much on the bad? Yes! So how do we change? This is to deep of a question to be solved at 11pm. I think I will go to bed and dream about the answer.

Dear Dad

WOW, So at my roommates prompting, I have finally written my dad a letter, honest, raw and heavy but true and good. We shall now see what happens.

ve are taking over ze airwaves

this is josh, i have taken over emily's blog. so...i dont really know what to write about now, except that the girls are talking about the time traveler's wife, which is about SEX and NUDITY and SEX and babies in the future, Benjamin Button, mwoohahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ridiculously lazy Saturday afternoons are my fave

So, I have been working my ass off for the past 9 weeks it seems, although when I listen to my roommates schedule I really don't feel like I work that hard. SO this week I have done nothing!!! It has been so great, I am coming to the end of a wonderful week of spring break, but now as I come to the end of it, I am very scared. My motivation that I somehow had the past 9 weeks is GONE! Now I have 8 more weeks of school before semesters end and I have no IDEA how I am going to survive. Crap, and on top of that, There is NO where for me to go running in Grandview, that I know of yet, and that makes me very sad :( So I am stuck here on my duff, thinking about the 3 cookies I just ate(the best sugar cookies I have ever baked, Rachael made the dough, if I do say so myself) and thinking of how there are no good places to go running and feeling very lazy and VERY tired. I am looking out my windows right now, floor to ceiling ones! and the sky is very cloudy and my house smells very sweet and Bandolini by Johann is playing on my Ihome and I am feeling very content... I really hope I don't see a jogger run past, I fear that will pop my bubble of duplicity.

My friend, My hero, My Dad

My Dad.
As a Little Girl, ages 1-6: My dad is my hero, he is incapable of wrong, I love him, so much. He grabs me up in his big arms and holds me. All my pain and fears leave, I am safe I am home in my fathers arms. We have adventures together, he is the painter of my world. The sun rises and sets, the days run by again and again, each one is a joy with my best friend, my knight. He is my favorite person, I love him. We explore railroad tracks and find treasures together. Later I realize, my dad would hide things before we would go so that I could find them.
Growing up, age 7-11: My dad is far away, but still tries to be close. He is busy there are many demands on him. I heard my mom talking to him last night, we may not get Christmas presents this year, I'm sad, but I don't mind that much, I just want my mom to be happy. I still feel safe with my dad, he is still my security.
Aging slowly, age 12-14: My dad is just there, I guess I hide, My security is my room, my music, my art. I can be whoever and whatever I want in my world. The world I have hidden away in. I am starting to feel Like there is an unspoken standard I must live up to, a bar I must reach. But it is too high, to far away, it is unreachable. What can I do? I want to please my daddy. I listen for his perspective when he talks of other women. He appreciates women who respect and rely on their husbands, who love their children and stay home and let the man provide. That is what I should admire too. That is what I need to be, why don't I have the desire to be like that? Why do I long to be the opposite of everything my dad wants? It isn't rebellion...or is it?
Trying to be free, to be me, age 15-16: I hate children, I hate women who stay at home, I HATE women who listen and hang on their husbands every word. I am my own woman, I need no man to give me status or worth. I am worthy of respect without having a husband who gives me a status! Why! Why! Why do I feel so invaluable, unworthy because I am a woman and not a man? I can't pursue my dreams because I am a woman and not a man? I feel that men are more valuable to society, I feel worthless, I feel like men believe I have nothing to offer, I am not invaluable as a man is. I am just a woman. I will show them, I will spit in their face after I have beat them to the ground. I will succeed, I will work hard, I will kill myself, do whatever it takes, WHATEVER IT TAKES to show them, I am valuable. Men important to me, men I look up to, laugh and mock my dreams, I do not know why? Maybe I really am worthless. I am shown verses in the bible telling me a woman is to have a gentle and quiet spirit, My own religion attacks me. But that is religion, I know god made me with these desires. That is religion being used to manipulate and confuse me, isn't it? I am so confused, Why am I not encouraged to pursue my dreams. I am having a hard time respecting and loving my dad. He makes me feel dirty and evil. I don't want to be evil I want to please him. But I can't. I really can't, unless I completely give up myself, and I will not do this. I will not. So I will suffer, I will feel pain. I will eventually pull away from my dad, our relationship, our honesty and safety with each other will end. But you save me god. You become my daddy. You love me, but not yet. Not yet have I found you.
Fuck the world and everyone in it, age 17:
I hate the world, skrew them, skrew them all. I will do whatever I want, I will hurt people first before they can hurt me. I will keep everyone out, they will not enter inside of me. This is how I am safe. I am safe. I do what I want, I do stupid things to show that I am a wild horse, untamed, no one can take away my freedom. I run away, I sneak out, I yell and scream. Me and my dad cuss at each other, I don't see that he is just frightened of this wild thing he does not understand. He is frightened, I am out of his control, but these wounds he is giving me hurt, they cut me deeply. I learn not to trust men, especially christian men who can use my religion against me. Who can manipulate me with verses from the bible I read for guidance in life. They can use it to force me into doing their own motives and desires. I do not trust, I hate and I am safe, I hold them at arms length. I am strong I do not need them, I am strong, but oh so weak and sad inside. I am very sad, getting up each morning is a struggle. I never make my mom happy, I never do enough. We don't talk, we don't talk about anything.
Cloudy, age 18: I am very dead inside, I don't have a social life, work and school, work and school. I miss people, but I have no strength to reach out, all I have strength enough for is surviving each day. It is such a struggle. I have started counseling, it is hard, I am starting to feel again. I don't like it. Slowly I am starting to see gods love for me. He is safe, Jesus is safe. He doesn't manipulate me. He loves me. He doesn't hurt me, I don't have to meet a bar of expectation. I can just be, I can be...
I go into the wilderness and I am found by god, age 19: Behold, I am going to persuade her, lead her to the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her vineyards back to her and make the valley of trouble into a gateway of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the days she came out of Egypt(Hosea 2:14-15). Wow, God has rescued me. I drive out into the wilderness. To be continued...

Mmhh, Indian cuisine!

SO I have decided to have a cooking night at my apt. I desire to cook INDIAN!! As in everything, Chai tea, Panjabi Curry, Indian Rajma with white rice! Except I'm not a big fan of goat, it kinda makes me want to hurl. So if anyone has some good recipes to share, let me know :D

Propulsion

Have you ever wanted to move forward, be something more, accomplish this dream and desire inside of you, but you don't know what it looks like yet? You just know that its there, waiting to be released and once it is released you will be free from these chains holding you back. When that happens, everyone will see, they will see you in all the glory of who you were born to be. We say, wait and see, wait and see, but what are we waiting for? What will we see? These chains that keep you from succeeding, how can you be free? You blame them on people, circumstances, not getting opportunities you think are being given to people who are of your status, who have succeeded in life or succeeded with your passion. People don't understand, they don't really see you because they don't really try. They bring their own motives into your passion, manipulating you into believing they know what you really want. NO, stop the madness, throw off the chains, release your bird from the cage, you know what you want, now go after it. Find who you are, throw off the expectations of society, become who you dream of being. Discover the world outside you window as Tanita Tikaram sings, "Tell me if, you want to see
A world outside your window, A world outside your window isn't free.
And tell me if you wanna catch that feeling of redemption, That feeling of redemption doesn't do much for me. What can you say
I'm hiding in the belfry. What can you say - I want to catch time
How can you say you know anything about me". Many artistic beings were not discovered until after their death, upon which they became iconic figures of society. Take Emily Dickinson, her poetry was not even published until four years after her death in 1886, her poems being published in 1890. How can someone live their whole life and before their death think to themselves, not much was accomplished in my time. The one who pursues their passions has no fear of this happening. You never know what may happen after your life ends, you may live on into infinity in others thoughts, songs and lives. Claude Monet painted during the 19th century, and in 2007 his painting "Waterloo Bridge, Temps Couvert" sold for 35 million dollars! How can you gauge your value, we are invaluable to society when we live out of our passions and dreams! So, to end, let no one stop, create a firm foundation so that the buffet and pounding of waves crashing around you will not have the ability to deter you. You will remain fortified in knowing you have the freedom to do what you want, you will see the waves roll off.

Running

Is there anything more glorious than running down a railroad track at twilight...? Only running through a mountain pass on a dirt path. Even then... So I went running tonight, my first time running in Grandview, and I kept thinking that I was gonna get picked up by the next car that passed. Surprisingly though, no one honked or hollered at me, which happens with every other car when I run in Raymore. Pathetic. I wonder if there aren't many runners, female ones that is, in Grandview. Well they are going to see me, ALOT!

Spring break finally has arrived

WOW, I am so at peace right now. No homework that I have to worry about. No unwritten papers waiting to be tackled, no tests to study for. It's a Sunday night and all I have to worry about is getting up early enough to go running tomorrow. How great, isn't this what Sunday nights are supposed to be like?