New Days Ahead!

You know the saying, "You first must tear the house down to build it back up the right way". Well this year has been about tearing my old, dirty, broken house down and replacing it with a new one. There were days when I felt nothing was changing, nothing was happening. Rain storms came and made the ground to muddy for building, cold weather came and caused a period of waiting to go by.Then days came when I thought I could see the frame going up, making my house strong again. Slowly I began to feel the walls going up around my house, but there were still many rough edges that needed to be sanded down and covered with dry wall. Finally, I awoke one day and realized, my house is near completion. This new house is becoming much more snug and cozy than the last one. It is much safer and more calming to be in. There no longer are shaky walls and a loose ceiling, those have been replaced by a strong frame and good shingles. One feels safe in this house, protected, peaceful. I now can invite people into this house without them fearing for their lives. I am happy with the new changes and would never want to go back to the old house. However, it was so hard to build that If I had not known what I was pursuing I would have quit for the difficulty of  building it. There were days when rain flooded the basement and the foundation and I had to rip it all out and start over. I could not have completed it without the encouragement of my fellow builders and helpers and without the design the architect gave to me. It was so worth it! I will continue to pursue the finished design, I have still a few more changes to make before completion is achieved. Soon though, I see the completion coming...
I wrote this  to help explain in a word picture what my year in OYM was. It has been about tearing down my old way of thinking and reacting to things and replacing it with a new perspective, a new way of seeing. I can now look at things for the most part, from a clear perspective, and not one that is influenced by past experiences or emotions that have no connection to the current situation. I am no longer"triggered" would be one way to say it. Although there are still days when I feel I am losing the battle, It is much easier for be to bounce back to a positive perspective now than it used to be. I had to learn many new tools to help with the building of this new house. Some of those tools included conflict resolution, learning to deal with painful experiences in a healthy way. Learning to communicate effectively and think the best of others and listening to group wisdom even when I don't agree. This year has been fundamental in helping me grow into a mature woman who can effectively deal with the conflicts and challenges that arise with everyday life. I owe so much to the leaders, all of whom are volunteer based, of OYM who stuck it out this year through the good and the bad with all of us. I cannot thank them enough for the time and love they poured into each of us. I also could not have completed this year without the help and support and life from the author and perfecter of my faith, JESUS CHIRST. Thanks be to god who always gives us the victory through Christ Jesus!

Love one another

Lately I have been realizing how shut off and calloused my heart truly is. I am much more comfortable holding on to past hurts and wounds, keeping score against another person, than I am of letting go, Forgiving and Loving. 1 Peter 4:8 really speaks to me about this. It says love one another above all else for love covers a multitude of sins, love one another as if your life depended on it. Wow, how would I love others if I truly believed my life depended on it? If I truly believed their life depended on it?


         ~Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help. That way, God's bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he'll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!~ 1 Peter 4:8-11


So this is what I long to become, a woman who is so at rest in who her heavenly father says she is, that nothing anyone can say will terrify nor cause me to become defensive of my self worth. I need not fear losing my worth, for the only one who can take that from me is God, My worth is in him and he will never take that from me. I need not hold a record of wrongs against another person to use as my defend for god is my defender, I need only to forgive and love, forgive and love. I will still feel pain, but my father will guide me when I am faced with a situation I am not sure I can handle, he will be there to help me.


I must let go of these past offenses and look at the person for who they are and not for what they have done. How do you love someone who hates your very self, who see's you as something your not? Who cannot forgive? You let go of fixing the problem, you let go of needing to defend your position, you let go of redeeming yourself and let god take control. All I have to do is love. That sounds so much easier, truly, it is when you submit to God and take on his perspective. The submission, that is what is so hard. But it is so much better than the alternative.

          ~It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.

 ^8-11I want you to put your foot down. Take a firm stand on these matters so that those who have put their trust in God will concentrate on the essentials that are good for everyone. Stay away from mindless, pointless quarreling over genealogies and fine print in the law code. That gets you nowhere. Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, but then be done with him. It's obvious that such a person is out of line, rebellious against God. By persisting in divisiveness he cuts himself off.~ Titus 3

We were meant for something more than this life...we were meant to love and be loved, honestly, once you open your heart to that truth is that not what your heart most longs for. Pure, steadfast, honest love. 


God let your love fill me~


When I run, lead me 
When I sleep, keep me
When I wake Father speak with me
Oh Majesty

Light of the world,
light up this day
God I long to see your face
Oh shine your glory down
Light of the world
Be on display
And every heart will sing your praise
Oh shine your glory down
With each breath fill me
With each step free me
When I love Father love through me


I do not walk in darkness
I will not live in fear
I'll walk in Your light

This is it, No lies

I am so frustrated right now. I don't know what's wrong with me? I used to have such a fire for life, such a passion to live. When I was in Colorado I really thought I was going somewhere, I had dreams and aspirations. I was going to major in fashion merchandising at C.S.U., and I knew I was going to be great! I was prepared to work my heart out to get what I wanted, and then it was all taken away... so suddenly? Now, I just don't know what to do. I have no desire to do anything, I am so depressed and just so discouraged. I have nothing to work for here, I am so confused and so lost. God has reduced me to mold-able clay, but with that has come such discouragement, there was a fire in me, once raging, that has now been reduced to barely lit coals. The potential for fire is still there, but there is nothing to light it with and no fuel to keep it lit. Satan has been having a field day with me these past two years, pulling me left and right. I worked so hard for something in Colorado that was taken from me and now, I find myself getting to a place where I am very close to giving up, on everything. I am tired of fighting the devils' lies. I am tired of searching for my calling, my career, my passion. I don't think it exists here? I don't know where it exists, somewhere I hope. I don't know when I will find it, but I am so tired of looking and coming up empty. I feel like a beautiful silver case made to hold beautiful things, that has been taken out side and lost in the childrens' sandbox. There I lie, rusting in the rain, losing all the value I once held. So here I am, so tired, wondering who will come and rescue me out of the sand box, or if I will just stay here, forever. Eventually being buried, covered over and forgotten forever. I'm sorry to be so depressing, but this is truly how I feel, no lies, no masks. This is it.

Amazing DAY

Today was an absolutely amazing day. God just gave me a gift today! There is a girl I have slowly been getting to know the past 5 or 6 months and today She, her friend and I all went rock climbing! It was amazing, me hanging out with two amazing women who are sweet, normal, mature can carry on a two or three way conversation. Who encourage me as well as each other. Who look out for each other, talk, laugh and have a great time. I had almost forgotten what that was like. It was such a blessing and I had such a wonderful time, just being with these girls who know how to be friends. I have not recently had the pleasure of being around people like this, people I don't have to keep my guard up around. On the way to hang out with them I was facing the regular battles of my everyday life, the regular drama, and then I decided to ignore the cell phone, to look forward to my time with these girls and to forget the trials I was dealing with a moment before. Fittingly a song came on my stereo by a fantastic band. Nada Surf was singing my exact feelings out on my stereo. Their words were, " To hell with it I'm gonna have a party, to hell with it I'm gonna have a party, to hell with it I'm gonna have a party"! YEAH! To hell with all the people I have been trying to "graciously and kindly and directly and responsibly and maneuverability and carefully" deal with for the past 7 months, I am gonna forget about them for a while and I am gonna have a party and it felt as though God was saying, "Emily, I will take care of your trials, I will deal with them, I will judge them, I will fix them, you can forget about them now and forever, but it's easier to now, and you can enjoy your afternoon. You can have a party". THANK YOU GOD!!!!! I had a great time, the sun shone down on me and I drove down the road to Kansas singing, "To hell with it I'm gonna have a party!"
i

Challenging Circumstances Immature People

My God, there are some people out there that think nothing of others and everything of themselves. I long to bless and serve them, but I have my limits, and they have been reached. I have reached the end of my patience, it is now time for God to take over and show me how to act and treat these girls, God give me patience and help me know how to set and keep my boundaries and not react to peoples emotional states. My God, I know so much good is coming from these circumstances he has put me in, I am so happy that through trials God brings me closer to him, he is more real and lovely to me now than ever. Yet, I desire peace, I desire to live with women who are servants who are outward focused, not inward focused, who desire to see the world be reached with the gospel, who desire to love god and love others, who can fight this battle with me, not drain me completely.

Activity

Stock Market, New York, renewable energy, trains, planes, boats, jets...These things excite me; progress, energy excites me. however, sometimes we have to let go of our desires so taht we can be taken outside of ourselves to a place we never expected nor could ever have dreamed of.
Often when we arrive at a place called "enough!" we arrive at a place where all things are possible because nothing seems possible. I'm saying, when your at them bottom you can only go one direction, up.

The Importance of Community

The Importance of Community:
People need a life-giving, caring community. People need to be taught who they are by the community they have grown up in. If that community teaches someone the wrong things or the false things about oneself, one must choose a new community to “grow up in” or re-grow up in. That is why sometimes we feel like a ten year old,  re-learning everything. “I grew up on mars and everything I learned on mars is right, on mars. But now I’m on earth and I cannot speak Martian. Those experiences are real…on mars, but not here on earth”. Doug Dzur. I grew up believing that I am a shameful being that I am shameful and bring shame and embarrassment to everyone I meet. Those thoughts and feelings are real, but they are not true. As a parent, you have to show your children, not define, show them who they are. God already created them perfectly, we as their community need to reveal that to them. Without good, life-giving relationships promoted by a God centered community, people continue their unsuccessful search for their God-given identity’s. When family and community encourage people to face their traumas and get through life’s sticking points they find out who they are and they learn to live from their hearts.

People Need People to Recover:
People heal in authentic, God centered relationships. Wounded people and unbelievers come to the Lord through relationships. People need people who further God’s purposes in our lives, to achieve wholeness in a fractured world.