New York Via Ms Alicia Keys

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York

Lights is blinding,
Girls need blinders
So they can step out of bounds quick,
The side lines is blind with casualties,
Who sipping life casually, then gradually become worse,
Don’t bite the apple Eve,
Caught up in the in crowd,
Now your in-style,
And in the winter gets cold en vogue with your skin out,
The city of sin is a pity on a whim,
Good girls gone bad, the cities filled with them,
Mommy took a bus trip and now she got her bust out,
Everybody ride her, just like a bus route,
Hail Mary to the city your a Virgin,
And Jesus can’t save you life starts when the church ends,
Came here for school, graduated to the high life...
No place in the World that can compare!

Threatened in a good way

So pretty much a lovely woman sat me down the other day and told me that this was my last chance, the last chance for me to back out of giving my life away to OYM for the next year... I imagined the freedom I would have to...take boring classes at Longview, to work full time and also have the ability to have a part time job, to not have to ever talk about my emotions or have friends that were to close. TO have the freedom to stay where I am emotionally and not have to grow and change, to be able to continue on with life as I know it, lonely and dark and depressing quit often...I decided to take the red pill, although in a few weeks I may comment that I should have opted for the blue pill...but I don't think so. Choosing to do OYM may turn into one of the best decisions I have made since deciding to move to Colorado...perhaps it will even end up being a rather profound life changing experience? Time will only tell, all I know is that I need life to change, I hate my life as it is right now, something or someone definitely needs to stage an intervention because I feel like i am drowning. You know the feeling, you can remember at age five or whenever, wandering just a little to far into the deep end of the pool, suddenly feeling the ground leave your feet, barely staying afloat you realized that you and you alone were the only person able to keep you from drowning at that moment, for a second you hesitated on the surface, then inevitably your head would duck under the water before you would kick and bring yourself back up again, but then someone would jump in the pool and a wave would push you under again. This would happen until some person happened to swim past you and see you struggling, or, luckily, you found that you swam/kicked far enough back to the shallow side where you can stand again. But right before that moment of intervention came, whatever it was, you felt you were going to drown...that is the moment I am in, that is how I feel right now, I am about to drown, but I can feel the moment getting closer, the moment of intervention where I will be saved. I felt that I came closer to that intervention when I chose to give my life to OYM for the next year. Only when I made that decision did I realize that I need this, I need OYM. God is not laughing in my face, this is his plan for me, his good and perfect plan. I don't agree with some religious people who believe that God does not have this perfect path laid out for you. I most assuredly believe that God has a perfect path laid out to benefit me in the best possible way, it is only when I choose to leave that path that God has to make alterations to the perfect path he had planned out for me already. These alterations may not seem awful or terrible, but they are not good and perfect as the original design God made. So I will try not to choose my own path but follow the one He already has for me and  hope that I am listening to him when I make my decisions, sometimes fear can deceive....Don't listen.

The World beats you down and leaves you dead on the street...if you let it

Some people say..."Don't let life beat you down...". Well, that has almost come true in my life this past year, the world is tough, but its more life that beats you down. It defeats me and then leaves me to scrounge for water, try to save myself when I am stuck in a dark alley with no light to lead me out. I see in the windows of other peoples lives, these glass windows make me go crazy. Light shines out of them onto the street where I live, cold, freezing cold and dirty. Hungry, so hungry and scared. In these windows I see my dreams being lived through other peoples lives, thats not right? They're living my dream? I keep walking, hoping someday this alley will end, but it seems to go on forever. When will my life make since? When will I find myself a way out to my dream, where I can have my own window to show myself off to the world?

In your dreams Girl...

In your dreams... Girl, in your dreams. 

I'm sick of dream'n girl, I'm ready for life NOW! I want this bad girl, and its killing me wait'n for this shit to go down. wait'n is take'n a lifetime, I thought it was now, but now I'm seeing its someday...or in my dreams. In my dreams its not as hard as it seems when I'm awake, I feel I gotta give all or nothin, but to what? How do I get there without dumpin this life for another one. Is my dream more valuable to me than relationships, does my fear hold me back...not fear, fear of failure maybe. Girl, all I know is I'm willing to sacrifice it all, but not 'till I know fo-sho that my path will take me where I need to go. Thats why I haven't left yet girl, I'm not sure the current path I wanna choose will really take me to where my dreams say it will. I wanna soar, I wanna give it all girl, but what path do I choose. I guess I'll have to wait and see. But I hate that, girl, wait'n isn't my thing, I don't wait, but I have to now....I have to little longer...

Theatrical Three...

The Theatrical Three, we belong together, together we are the cord of three strands that cannot be broken. We are the three musketeers that cannot be shaken. We are the three sister that stand by each others side. We are the standing against the storm....But I am the only dramatic one, Mary is the strong, steady, competent one. Little sis, is the mighty, capable, straight-up, get the job done, one. Together, we make a fine team, although M. could explain it better ;)

Really? Really? Yes I said that.

Today I told Laura that I hate my life. When she inquired as to what would change that for me, I replied that If I was twenty lbs thinner I wouldn't hate my life. She said that was a stupid thing to base my happiness on, I replied to that with the statement..."I know".
I thought about that conversation after she left, and it struck me that whenever my girlfriends have bad self talk like that that about themselves. I feel terrible for them feeling that way about their bodies. It will make me so sad to hear them say those things and I will refute their statements with everything I can to make them believe otherwise about themselves. Too bad I don't feel the same way about myself.

Trust

God: "I bless you with no anxiety in the present because I have spoken so richly in the past."
Often, this is hard for me to believe...

Uncomfortable belief

Recently I saw a knew definition of trust that left me dumbfounded as well as more than a little frightened.

"Trust: Profound emotional confidence, in which you are completely expecting things to be right."(Blessing your spirit,18).

Are you kidding me? Really? Really?! Me? Completely expecting things to be right, yeah right, that is way to far out of my comfort zone. I thought I was making progress just believing that God loved me... 

p.s. I'm a freak

So, I am pretty much almost convincing myself that God hates me, he hates me he hates me, or else he is trying to punish me; or to teach me a lesson, or something. I don't know, all I know is that I am not doing what my heart desires right now. I desire an adventure! Rachael tells me that I am on an adventure right now with this stupid apt thing, she says its all my fault that we have mold in our apt cause god is giving me the adventure that I have "longed" for....oh ...CRAP! I hate my life! Lol, I told Rachael that she jinxed us for wanting to get renters insurance when we first moved in... Rachael say's, "He said she said its all my fault...you are like logging everything that I am saying...OH MY GOSH! Your a freak...dear diary...ehheeheheh.". Yes Rachael I am a freak but this is funny, and now I am talking to you in type form, muwahahawhahaah, cause I am so bored with life. I have given up on normal conversations, they are boring and...normal. Hahaha, Rachael says, "your sooooooooooooo weird". Rachael is now saying something like..."Kate barbarow...or k barow or que barbaro...?" She says that that says OH MY GOSH in espanol, how nice :) "Who has exciting lives?", Me, "Rich people," Rachael, "yeah right"..."You know who has exciting lives...prisoners haha", Me, "Uhuh...?". Rachael, "NO really, you never know who will enter your prison room next...dumdumduuuuuhhhhhh!!!"..."fresh meat ehehehehehahahahehahahahahah!". Thats all folks :D

Mold

So, this weekend was very interesting, me and Rachael found that our apt was infested with mold. Disgusting, I am currently making a list of all the things the mold has ruined. Its insane, working on figuring out whether or not I should involve a lawyer in this. My losses added up to roughly $400, no idea how much Rachael's will add up to. This is so bad, so upon hauling all of our stuff the apt and knowing that there was really only one place we could both go that would not inconvenience anybody, I grew a little anxious. I was off to live with my parents, again. Would this never end? I moved in with my parents last October for 6 weeks, and it was literally hell. I wondered what it would be like this time. I have decided to chronicle our adventures through this whole ordeal over the next two weeks or however long this lasts, hopefully no longer than that. Today after work I will be heading up to the apt to take individual photos of each and every one of our things that has been ruined, the really gruesome photos I may have to post for your viewing pleasure. Still awaiting a reply message from my land lord in response to the current situation that I e-mailed him about...So back to the parents, I was really nervous coming back here, last time was a nightmare; 1: Because my dad is a freak and has to get involved with everyones business, 2: because my heart wash shattered and I was in shock about having to move home from Colorado, and 3: I was not as independent and broken off from my parents and their desires for me as I am now. So upon realizing those changes have occurred in my life, and remembering that my dad and brothers will be gone on vakay until next Tuesday, I was able to breath again. So, last night after laying down in my brothers super comfy bed, smelling the nice smell of my parents house that comes with the absence of mold, and hearing the peaceful sounds of NOTHING, I thought to myself, this next week might not be so bad. I wont have to spend as much money on food our gas, seeing as how I am about five minutes away from my job here, also I wont have to really stress about locking the doors at night and making sure my house is secure. This may even end up being like an extended vacation, or at least until my brothers return, then I may have problems. So for now I am perfectly at peace living with my mom for the next week and am totally starting to understand why this situation looks so ideal to recently graduated college students. That opinion will surely change within a week, but for now...I am in bliss. AND, my parents have incredibly cool air conditioning that ACTUALLY works!!! Amazing!!!

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...~

Sometimes there are days when life just makes sense. Today was one of those days. Life is meant to live and love and anything less than that takes away the joy of living. When one is all consumed with duty and responsibility and can not take the time to enjoy a lovely sun-shiny day, or take a walk on the plaza, people watching, that is when life loses its luster. Often I will read something in the paper or hear something on the news or find something out about the terrible living conditions in third world countries and I will feel so guilty for enjoying that sunny day. I will want to drop everything and go change the world for the people living in that place, and then depression will eventually set in when I find that I do not have the time money or resources to do this, so then I will commission myself to get a good education so I can get a good job so someday I will be influential enough to make a difference. It is after that decision that I am able to blissfully go back and enjoy the sun, that has continued to shine down on me as all these thoughts roll into my head, and then roll out again. As sad as it makes me feel knowing about the terrible things that happen in this world that I can no stop, rape victims, child abuse, hunger, starvation, lack of clean water, fear... I calm myself by believing that god has placed me in Grandview, in my apt, with my roommate, to make his love known to whomever crosses my way. I have this complex, I feel that everyone I meet I have to make a difference in there life with my life....weird huh. Well I feel this so strongly that often I will attach myself to someone for a time who I see struggling with life, I will love this person as much as I can and try to help them and then...I will eventually pull out of that relationship completely when I have totally exhausted my resources on thsi person. Which in turn probably causes them to feel completely abandoned by me but at that point I don't care...I leave the relationship feeling that I did everything I could for that person and know its someone else's turn to take over. Maybe I need to rethink my approach to this...this sounds like a crazy person writing...how did i even get on this subject...? So I think this is enough for now, and I am very happy that only a few people even read this blog because I may never live this post down. I may as well say it right now...I have a savior complex...to a certain extent.

Life is so sweet sometimes

Life can be sweet but raw and hard, like dark chocolate, or it can be creamy but yet a little too sweet, like milky chocolate, or it can be just sweet and divine like white chocolate. Any way you have it, life has a certain sweetness to it. The type of sweetness one experiences depends in part to who one is but also who you choose to spend your time and give a piece of your life to. I have a friend who makes my life very sweet, and although during the day while I am at work, my life is hard and rather bitter like 88% dark choco, at night my life becomes rather blissful like sweet milky white chocolate. Tonight I went to the plaza, one of my all time favorite places to go, I even missed it when I was in Colorado among the mountainous wildlife, and I enjoyed a wonderful night with my friend. It was so wonderful, I suddenly felt like everything was going to be ok, like everything was right in my life. I felt as though there was a light at the end of my seemingly very long and very dark tunnel. We talked about how, when we both may possibly someday go to UMKC together, how we should get a cute apt off the plaza, how we should go to the this pool bar called The Jones, that over looks the P&L district and grab ourselves some drunk men to have fun with ;), I felt as though I hadn't been forgotten by God. As though up till now, at least the past few months, have a ll been a masquerade in my head, performed by Satan, to cause me to believe that god had forgotten me. It was all a lie, god can no more forget about us than we can about the creator who made us. I felt his love and his presence and his...joy over me tonight :) it was a wonderful feeling...How I love the plaza.

High school

Often when I look back at older pics of myself, most taken in my high-school days, which were only two years ago, I wonder why life took such an interesting turn. When I graduated I felt that life was so full of promise. Unfortuatly the year that followed my graduation majorly sucked, I worked at the cheesecake factory, remained incredibly anti-social and lived with my parents. How much more lame do you get? Life seemed to take an upswing in may of 2009  when I moved to Colorado, I was stoked about going to CSU and getting to know some awesome people. Then life through a fast ball at me again, after living in Colorado for 5 1/2 months, after making some amazing friends and enjoying the lovely mountains, God unexpectedly sent me packing. I was in shock for 6 mos. I wondered what had gone sooo wrong that I ended up in back in KC, AGAIN! Then in February of 2010, life again changed, I met my roomie, the sweetest girl on the planet who is slowly teaching me that I am lovable, something I have always struggled with and apparently thats the reason I LOVE chocolate SOOO much, I have self love issues. If you want to know more look up the study done on the effects of chocolate. Anyway, life looked up for a while, I became motivated again, I began looking into other art schools that I was interested in attending, and I was excited when it finally seemed like I would be leaving KC for good and going to San Fran to pursue fashion. Then, you guessed it, another fast ball came my way, I felt God telling me to do OYM, Oym is short for one year mission. In other words, God was asking me to lay myself bare before a group of 11 or so people who would be going through oym with me, but even worse than that, god was telling me to stay in KC for ANOTHER year! I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know if I will ever go to college, or get a good job or...LEAVE KC. I don't know anything, and I am worried, but all I can think of is that verse that says something like..."trust and obey... trust and obey.... trust and obey..." God help me to trust and obey and not to fear....

Perhaps

Perhaps if I were thinner I would feel better about myself...Perhaps if I had a degree I would be more confidant...Perhaps If my parents had stayed on the east coast I would have grown up having more opportunities...Perhaps if I had stayed in Colorado I really would have made something of myself...Perhaps if I had gone to art school in Chicago I would have made connections with important people...Perhaps If I were dead I wouldn't have to deal with any of this...(Now theres an idea).

We can spend our whole lives wishing something different had happened, or, we can just make it happen.

We can spend our whole lives wishing something different had happened, or, we can work with what we got.

We can spend our whole lives wishing something different had happened, or, we can excel where we are. 

Life is what I make it, that is the only variable that will ever really change my circumstances.

I want to live like this~

I woke up this morning, angry, confused and sad. I have been waking up like this allot lately, allot more than is normal for me. I have always been someone who looks on the bright side. Recently though, I feel like I have finally admitted that I am angry at God for bringing me back to kc, more confused than angry. I am always reminding myself of how god has our best interests at heart, but sometimes I wonder if this is the fire, the part of my life he is walking through with me to test my relationship with him, to test whether I am a fair weather follower... I am having this epiphany even as I type, I wonder if bringing me back to KC was in order to bring me closer to him, put me through the fire. I have been kicking and screaming inwardly ever since I returned. I have been confused about what gods purpose was in bringing me back here, but knowing or not knowing is no longer important. My life sucks when I don't trust my savior, I am unhappy, I hurt myself and others and I don't see the powerful things that god is doing at this moment because I keep believing it's not right for me to be here. But thats not what's important, what is is believing and trusting god, believing he loves me and has a purpose for what feels to me like a very meaningless existence, and trusting that he wants to use me and not dump me by the side of the road. Believing that I have a purpose, believing that my life is not meaningless, that is all I know right now, but in order to remain at peace, this is what I will have to keep reminding myself, over and over and over and over and over again. Also, I need to start praying and asking god for help, listening to him and asking for help by reading the bible. I need you God.

Fearless Heart~ Point of Grace

For even the most trusting soul
This world can be a scary place,
So much that we can't control
In every moment that we face,

When a thousand what ifs
Whisper in our ears
We remember whose we are
And watch them disappear

I wanna live with a fearless heart
Courage that's coming from trusting God
It's constantly guiding me
Though the road may seem dark
I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart

There are worries chasing everyone
That's evident in times like these,
But I have found the confidence that comes
From the time I spend on my knees,

There's a truth I'm holding onto
As these days unfold
Greater is He that is in me
Than he that's in the world

I wanna live with a fearless heart
Courage that's coming from trusting God
It's constantly guiding me
Though the road may seem dark
I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart

He's my strength
He's my shelter
He is with me all the way
He's my light and my salvation
Of whom shall I be afraid
Of whom shall I be afraid

I wanna live with a fearless heart
Courage that's coming from trusting God
It's constantly guiding me
Though the road may seem dark
I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart

I want a man

I want a man, A REaL Man, A Strong man, A Smart Man, A Wise Man, A Fun man, The right Man, A GentleMan, A Man. I want a man, is that so hard to admit? For me yes, because when I finally find one, or when He finds me, I will have to trust myself and my heart, my dreams and my future, who I am, to him. Trust...I don't do trust, to a certain extent yes, but never completely... and yet... I long for a MAN.