Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I am YOUR child???! :D
~ Can I sit with you awhile? Can you hold me, I’m your child. Can I come to you, with words so few and rest inside your arms? Can I sit with you awhile? Can I listen to your heart, Jesus? Can I feel it beat with mine? I’ve come to love, the way you cover me with who you are, Can I listen to your heart? What better friend what better father no greater King, no other Savior. My only God, a perfect lover, here I am for you.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Update
An excerpt taken from my journal:
Aug 3 2010
Later I will put this on blog spot in the hopes of correctly documenting my experience in OYM. I want to gage my behavior without making myself feel like a test patient, so I will be trying to learn how to do that.
The reasons behind that desire is the fact that I will often have these emotional break downs where I really feel like I am having a breakthrough and I’ll be in the moment and I’ll want to change…and then I sleep and wake up and I am back to “normal” again. One of those moments happened last night. I hugged Barb as I was about to leave and I felt all of her love and wisdom, gathered from years of hardships, and I broke. I had been holding her at arms length again, afraid to get to close. When you get to a certain point in a friendship it starts requiring trust, that is usually the point where I back out…drift off and disappear. That is what happened with Doug and Barb.
8/8/10
Wow, in one week so much has changed, I wonder how much will change in the next two weeks. Monday is our next OYM Meeting, Friday Rachael and Laura go to G.A. Next Wednesday we may start having young adults at our house, so many changes but all of them good ones. I woke up at 8am this morning and went to church. It felt good to fulfill my commitment. Also it was nice to see people, I love Denise. After church Laura and I went to the Hard Bean, I just love Laura so much, she has so many quality’s that
I admire and would love to adopt for myself. I am a little nervous about tomorrow night, Kevin will be there and I don’t know how comfortable I will feel around him at first. Today I rearranged the living room. I love it, its so open and comfortable and inviting looking. I am tired and lonely right now, both of my roommates are at work and I cant get a hold of my mom which annoys me! I had been hoping to have her over today to see the house but, I guess not. Now all that’s left is arranging my and Rachael’s room. I love this house!
Acts 2:42
They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching, and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.
Ephesians 4:3
Purposefully aim to be united in the spirit through the bond of peace.
Romans 14:19
Let us therefore follow after the things that bring peace.
Be purposeful about being united and living in peace!
1 Peter 4:10
God has given each one of you a gift to serve each other. 1
Romans 14:1,4,12,22,
Accept anyone who is weak in faith but don’t argue about doubtful issues.
It would be really good for me to work on implementing these verses into my daily life...
8-25-10
Well I went to the J2 party on Sunday, I was actually really awkward for me. I felt like I had backtracked from where I had been and what I had learned, but now I see that that was not technically the case. I had simply been learning something different to add to what I have learned at G.A. Together those things will culminate to produce something great. I guess that while I had been forgetting about my heart this past year, you had not God. You have not forgotten. On Monday night I was talking to Denise and she told me that when I start to back away from people and become anti-social, that I need to stop myself and force myself to do exactly the opposite. Go in search of people who can encourage me. So yesterday, Tuesday, I did just that. I went out for coffee with grace on my lunch break. I realized that she struggles with allot of the same things I struggle with when it comes to backing off and retreating to nurse our wounds alone. It’s not healthy, so I told her what Denise had told me and she agreed that she needs people. Isn’t that funny God, we all want to believe that all we need is you, when in reality you gave us people because we do need each other, I guess to see different aspects of you in each others hearts. Last night was so much fun, both of those girls just crack me up. So funny, we had a great time just leaning over the wall, staring at KC and talking about…everything. When we walked back to the car, Rachael on my left goes jogging by me doing this weird pregnant/old man/ crippled person jog. It was hilarious, she was so serious doing it too, which just added to the hilarity of it. Meanwhile Laura yells at us as she rolls down the side of a hill going ugh ugh guh guh, making weird noises as she rolls, lol. I was able to see both of them fully alive in the women you made them to be, and I also felt fully alive because I was in the background just taking it all in and video taping it. Is what I love, I hate being the center of attention. It was so wonderful. So thank you so much for that god, by the end of the night it felt like me and Laura had set out on a new course with our friendship, emphases on friendship because I think I just need to be her friend right now and nothing else, I’m good with that. I just had so much fun and what’s awesome is that I caught it all on tape. I love that movie. I hope someday I am able to believe in myself more god and see myself through your eyes, I know If I could do that I would be able to do anything you wanted and no one could stop me. Oh last thing, I found out that once again, my personality test revealed that when I am in public I am an I/D. but when I am by myself and feeling myself I am a D/S. weird huh, there is actually no I on that second chart. I think that it has been instilled in me that I need to keep that conversation going to entertain people, and really I would rather just sit back and listen to others talk. I meet with Denise again tonight, I’m sure we will have much to talk about. I love her so much! She is the perfect mentor, she doesn't take any of my Bull Shit. The sun is shining warm on my face right now, it feels like Colorado outside and I am in love…
Aug 3 2010
Later I will put this on blog spot in the hopes of correctly documenting my experience in OYM. I want to gage my behavior without making myself feel like a test patient, so I will be trying to learn how to do that.
The reasons behind that desire is the fact that I will often have these emotional break downs where I really feel like I am having a breakthrough and I’ll be in the moment and I’ll want to change…and then I sleep and wake up and I am back to “normal” again. One of those moments happened last night. I hugged Barb as I was about to leave and I felt all of her love and wisdom, gathered from years of hardships, and I broke. I had been holding her at arms length again, afraid to get to close. When you get to a certain point in a friendship it starts requiring trust, that is usually the point where I back out…drift off and disappear. That is what happened with Doug and Barb.
8/8/10
Wow, in one week so much has changed, I wonder how much will change in the next two weeks. Monday is our next OYM Meeting, Friday Rachael and Laura go to G.A. Next Wednesday we may start having young adults at our house, so many changes but all of them good ones. I woke up at 8am this morning and went to church. It felt good to fulfill my commitment. Also it was nice to see people, I love Denise. After church Laura and I went to the Hard Bean, I just love Laura so much, she has so many quality’s that
I admire and would love to adopt for myself. I am a little nervous about tomorrow night, Kevin will be there and I don’t know how comfortable I will feel around him at first. Today I rearranged the living room. I love it, its so open and comfortable and inviting looking. I am tired and lonely right now, both of my roommates are at work and I cant get a hold of my mom which annoys me! I had been hoping to have her over today to see the house but, I guess not. Now all that’s left is arranging my and Rachael’s room. I love this house!
Acts 2:42
They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching, and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.
Ephesians 4:3
Purposefully aim to be united in the spirit through the bond of peace.
Romans 14:19
Let us therefore follow after the things that bring peace.
Be purposeful about being united and living in peace!
1 Peter 4:10
God has given each one of you a gift to serve each other. 1
Romans 14:1,4,12,22,
Accept anyone who is weak in faith but don’t argue about doubtful issues.
It would be really good for me to work on implementing these verses into my daily life...
8-25-10
Well I went to the J2 party on Sunday, I was actually really awkward for me. I felt like I had backtracked from where I had been and what I had learned, but now I see that that was not technically the case. I had simply been learning something different to add to what I have learned at G.A. Together those things will culminate to produce something great. I guess that while I had been forgetting about my heart this past year, you had not God. You have not forgotten. On Monday night I was talking to Denise and she told me that when I start to back away from people and become anti-social, that I need to stop myself and force myself to do exactly the opposite. Go in search of people who can encourage me. So yesterday, Tuesday, I did just that. I went out for coffee with grace on my lunch break. I realized that she struggles with allot of the same things I struggle with when it comes to backing off and retreating to nurse our wounds alone. It’s not healthy, so I told her what Denise had told me and she agreed that she needs people. Isn’t that funny God, we all want to believe that all we need is you, when in reality you gave us people because we do need each other, I guess to see different aspects of you in each others hearts. Last night was so much fun, both of those girls just crack me up. So funny, we had a great time just leaning over the wall, staring at KC and talking about…everything. When we walked back to the car, Rachael on my left goes jogging by me doing this weird pregnant/old man/ crippled person jog. It was hilarious, she was so serious doing it too, which just added to the hilarity of it. Meanwhile Laura yells at us as she rolls down the side of a hill going ugh ugh guh guh, making weird noises as she rolls, lol. I was able to see both of them fully alive in the women you made them to be, and I also felt fully alive because I was in the background just taking it all in and video taping it. Is what I love, I hate being the center of attention. It was so wonderful. So thank you so much for that god, by the end of the night it felt like me and Laura had set out on a new course with our friendship, emphases on friendship because I think I just need to be her friend right now and nothing else, I’m good with that. I just had so much fun and what’s awesome is that I caught it all on tape. I love that movie. I hope someday I am able to believe in myself more god and see myself through your eyes, I know If I could do that I would be able to do anything you wanted and no one could stop me. Oh last thing, I found out that once again, my personality test revealed that when I am in public I am an I/D. but when I am by myself and feeling myself I am a D/S. weird huh, there is actually no I on that second chart. I think that it has been instilled in me that I need to keep that conversation going to entertain people, and really I would rather just sit back and listen to others talk. I meet with Denise again tonight, I’m sure we will have much to talk about. I love her so much! She is the perfect mentor, she doesn't take any of my Bull Shit. The sun is shining warm on my face right now, it feels like Colorado outside and I am in love…
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