Why is life hard!

Why can't life be easy, I almost feel retarded for saying that because my life is relatively easy in comparison to many women"s lives around the world, specifically in the middle east. Yet, I often wish that life would become easier, although not in the way you may be thinking. I wish that I could have my path clearly laid out in front of me, I wish that I could be emotionally confidant and have my convictions clearly laid out and figured out. I wish that I would be able to stand up for myself and my beliefs(convictions) in a healthy, un-threatened way. I wish that I was more comfortable with myself and my personality. I wish I knew how beautiful I truly am. That may sound very egotistical, but I truly believe that every single woman is beautiful and, in keeping with that belief, I must also agree to believe the truth that I too am beautiful, as hard as that may be at times. I wish I could believe that there is a man out in the vast expanse of the wide, wide world who could truly desire and want me. Also appreciate me and respect me and what I want to accomplish, or have accomplished by that point. I wish I would see myself as a women who is worth taking  care of and deserves and needs to take care of herself. That may sound a little crazy, but often I don't have the motivation to deal with life let alone myself in a healthy way. I need to though. I long to find my worth and value in Christ and seek his face daily, I long to grow in love and compassion for others. To be more merciful, that was quite low on my spiritual gifts. I am pretty much just emotionally vomiting right no and believing that Satan is correct, I really do just suck at life and on top of that I am inhaling and using up valuable oxygen which is slowly wearing away our ozone layer and causing the earth to become susceptible to global warming!!!!!

How is Ozone Formed?

Ultraviolet light (UV) from the sun and oxygen molecules (O₂) are responsible for most of ozone (O₃) production. Ozone is formed by photochemical reactions occurring in the stratosphere. (http://ozone.gi.alaska.edu/formed.htm).

Based on that information I really should just die, but then I remember that God has created me for a purpose and that purpose has not been accomplished yet otherwise I would no longer be here.

Stepin out

Today, My lovely, whimsical, floating, bubbly, friendly, dimple-faced, fun-loving, dress wearing, princess in training, roommate, took me and dressed me in a puffy, frilly STRAPLESS dress... I don't know If I've mentioned this, but I am not whimsical, or into dressing up for anything...ever. Yes I like dresses but they're not exactly frilly or whimsical or poofy, they are what you call sleeve dresses or business attire..or sleek or... you get the point. So today, she took me and dressed me up and then, GASP, made me walk down the street, shoulders back, boobs out, head held high and proudly, and she showed me how to be proud of my...bosom, among other things :) So today I was completely out of my element but I have never been more happy to experience something I have always dreaded than I am right now thinking about this experience. THANK YOU CAMLYN!!! Your one ROckin Chica!

Dreams

^{1 Peter 1}

³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, ⁵who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

This speaks to me so much. I have been tested, I have gone through trials and tribulations. Stressful situations and trying circumstances. But through all of that God continues to whisper in my ear, " I have good plans for You". That gives me indescribable hope for the future. I love you Jesus, let me never turn from you.  

Dreams lyrics
Songwriters: Hogan, Noel; O'Riordan, Dolores Mary;Oh, my life is changing everyday
In every possible way
And my dreams it's never quiet as it seems
Never quiet as it seems

I know I've felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you
And then I open up and see
The person falling here is me
A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
And they'll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do...

Peace... ~_~

Peace that passes understanding has come upon me :) Tonight I did something very new to me, I listened to my feelings and realized they were hurt. So I graciously, but straightforwardly, shared how I felt. It was AMAZING! I couldn't believe the peace I felt after-wards. Even though the other party may not have agreed with me, I VALIDATED MY FEELINGS AND OPINIONS, so new for me. It was so great. I feel better about myself, just by doing that, I now respect myself and love myself so much more. I self loath so much sometimes, I wonder if its because I often don't speak up for myself when something bothers me. I love life right now, thank you JESUS for communication and language! Also, tonight I had a man, trusted and old so no weirdness, tell me that someday a man will marry me not for my money, which I hope to have A LOT of someday ;)' but because I am alluring...Me? Alluring? No.?? Yes!!!? I am still trying to come to grips with that...really??? REally.?? Hmmmmmmmm......

I have a problem :(

So I have this problem, I live my life to please other people, so original huh. The problem with me is that I bring other people into it, like one example is with my roommates and our house. I feel that there is this certain expectation placed on me by other people of how clean, neat and presentable a house should be; Yes, I like things to be clean, but it stresses me out when I feel like everything has to be neat and organized and...perfect! I had a new roommate move in with me this weekend and she very graciously pointed out to me that I may need to relax just a little bit. SO TRUE! I have been living with this fear that people will smash me and not respect me if I don't keep up with me house and make it look perfect, and I hate that pressure. I want to be able to relax in my own home and not stress if the place isn't perfect. Thank God someone moved in who is much more of a free spirit than I am. Hopefully I will see myself learning to relax more as time goes on and be less stressful to those around me...Will update as time progresses.

I have...a...secret....

So I have this secret wish, and I haven't told many people because I am scared their responses will change my resolve. I am worried also that this desire may never happen and I don't want to be viewed as a sell out or a quitter who didn't try hard enough and that's why I "failed". So up till now I have not "technically" made this desire public, although I believe many of my close friends already know what this wish is.....Oh boy, here it goes...I ...want...toliveandworkandbeinNewYorkCity!!!!!! So there you have it.

Beauty

Am I beautiful? Am I? So many young women, girls, old women, middle aged women...ALL WOMEN, ask themselves this question. Am I worthy, Am I enough, Am I worth pursuing???? The woman shown above is truly beautiful. She ran away from her husband when his continued abuse started putting her life at risk, but he caught her and did that to her face as well as cutting off parts of both her ears. Yet, she arose again, she contacted an agency that helps female abuse victims in Afghanistan, and through them she told her story to time magazine, facing the fear of putting her mutilated face on the cover of a famous magazine many many people would read. Many people would proceed to critique her story, to critique her, she was putting her life at risk even by doing this, but she knew that the world had to know about her fellow sisters who were being abused, just as badly as she was, in her nation. Her bravery paid off, she is now in the U.S. getting reconstructive surgery on her face, but it took great courage for her to speak up about the abuse she faced. This woman is truly beautiful! Unfortunately our culture and magazines such as Marie Clair, Vogue, Cosmo, Vanity Fair...all of them say, NO. You are only beautiful if you look the part. Do this and you will be, wear this and your hunny will never want to let you go. Eat this and your body will look like Angie's. But no! WE don't need to change, We are already perfect the way we were created. Yes you still need to take care of yourself and live healthy, mentally and physically, but, you are already beautiful and thinking anything other than that is a lie. I struggle with this every day and as much as I long to break into the fashion world, I struggle wondering if I will be able to stand up to the criticism of it all. The fact that they consider the sz 2 to be the new sz 4, worry's me. I want to go into fashion because I want to change it, ever so slightly, what the vision of true beauty is. One person cannot do this alone, I know, but one person can get the ball rolling,one clap can start an avalanche. I want to start that avalanche. I want to come out with a magazine that shows real women, that focuses on health and living a healthy lifestyle. Healthy thinking, featuring inspirational story's about women who have struggled and overcome eating disorders, drug addictions, an abortion, an abusive relationship. Women who have made a difference in their neighborhoods, their workplaces, their homes. Women who have impacted the people in their lives for good. I would want my readers to be able to respond, and I would feature many stories and letters in this magazine written by my readers. I would want complete, brutal honesty on these pages, and unless it was to create a work of art of a photo of something anything other than a woman's body, photo shop will be banned from my magazine! BANNED! BANNED! BANNED!!!

Changes

Life is constantly changing, but I am so encouraged with all the changes. I feel like my life is being transformed more and more each day. God is changing me and I can feel it. Often the fear still creeps up that I will be in the "waiting place" forever. Do you know the waiting place? You know, in the book by Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go.That book will tell you not only about the waiting place, but about all the other places you will go and the challenges you will face in your life. I measure my life off of that book, often it brings clarity to me when I very confused. Funny huh, that a children's book would do that, but I have found that its usually the simple things in life that seem to bring the most clarity in a complicated situation.  I was raised on the philosophy's in that book. All through my childhood and up till I graduated from high school,  I completely believed I was going places, I still do but it;s harder for me  to feel that those beliefs and hopes will still happen. It;s when doubt sets in that I have to remind myself as I tread through these turbulent and dreary places of life, God is transforming me into a new creation. The old is gone the new has come. I am being made more so into His likeness, and as I press on towards the goal, eventually I will receive the prize that God has prepared for me. whether that is the prize I have chosen for myself or the prize God has chosen for me, I don't know yet. I know that as long as I follow Him, I will have purpose for my life. That is honestly what I long for more than anything else, to have a purpose, I don't want to be another wasted life roaming aimlessly around this planet. I want to have a purpose, a vital and significant purpose in this world.

 

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
 

Rocky

I am more than a little obsessed with Rocky...Sylvester Stallone, right now.

Do you ever feel

Do you ever feel? Do you ever let yourself feel? Feel so that you can heal, heal so that you can move forward...

My Flesh/MY Deisre

I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

I wanna be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
 
Honesty becomes me
There's nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
And riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me

Has been sentenced to this Earth

Has been sentenced to this Earth

Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
 

There's no other place that I want to be 

No other place that I can see
A place to be that's just right
Someday I'm gonna be in the Light
You are in the Light
That's where I need to be

That's right where I need to be

For Someone Special!

This Post goes out to an amzing woman named.......Drum Roll Please!

BECCA!!! Becca I love you so much, you have been such an encouragment to me always. You are so amesome and have a great litening ear, you love out of your heart with out holding back. You live pationately and I love that about you! You care for others and bring a sence of welcome with you wherever you go. You are sooo knowledgable, I felt like I was constatnly learning something new whenever I would hang out with you, YOU are a wellspring of life Becca! I love you!